The beginnings of anorexia

Shockingly enough, I can tell you the first day that I became anorexic, or at least subconsciously determined to be. An overachiever in high school, it was October of my senior year and I was stressed beyond belief. I had activities from the newspaper to a leadership committee (only the top nine of the class were selected based on involvement and morals) to drama to family to my studies up the ass. Literally, an average day for me meant 7am-10pm at school with my lunch break used to run errands. Teachers wanted only the best for me, and ironically I wanted only to be left alone and just make everything perfect in my life.

My free time was spent attending concerts and breaking the mold, as I was the token kid. The lil punk who was still super involved but refused to do Student Council. The kid who was everywhere, but never quite popular cause i had no time to do make a whole lot of friends, and my parents did not have the money to be movers and shakers. I made it to stand out all while still being perfect at standing out. It was hard work being perfect at being the antithesis to everything.

One day in stress, I noticed I had gained five pounds, and never fat, my top weight was 135 at 5'8", I decided a size nine was plump because the short girls were in zeros. I looked in the mirror and I looked gross, and from that day on the disease entered by head and at age 26, 6 disgusting years later, it is still there. I am still underweight, there is no doubt about it. At age 26, 5'9" and weighing 112 pounds is highly not where I should be. But at this point in my recovery, it is all I can handle. I flirted with bulmia for awhile, also known as the purging form of anorexia, and I have been sober from it for almost 12 months. I say sober jokingly, because I also have been almost sober for 12 months as well. The almost I will explain later.

The truth is, that I cannot conquer all my demons at once because it is simply too hard. But I have resolved to stop drinking and binging, so I maintain my weight through exercise and restrictive eating. I realize that one day I will have to put on more weight then my tiny 112 frame which is not meant for my health, but for now, I am size three and have stopped trying to shrink further, which is the first step in my recovery and the first step I have been able to stick with for longer then I day. Hence while not happy, I think I am one step closer to happiness.