One thing about being in recovery is that it is a lonely place. Unfortunately, in order to properly be anorexic or an alcoholic you have to learn to isolate yourself. This is because well meaning friends and family members can get in your way along the way as they are obstacles to being able to skip a meal or take another drink. Both diseases force you to be extremely secretive with the way you live your life creating a pattern in your mind when you become uncomfortable sharing yourself or your thoughts with anyone.
While this is bad enough alone, the thing is that once you start to recover from both diseases, you find that your healthy group of friends have all but disappeared. You cannot so much blame them, as it was your actions that pushed them away, but the world is a lonely place and you need distractions while recovering in order to keep pushing through. Even worse, as both diseases can make you seem like a fool, having drunkorexia meanas that you have probably engaged in some ridiculous actions and emotional battles that have left all your friendships pushed to their limits.
This aside, one of the hardest things that I have found about being in recovery, is that even when you start to regain a sense of yourself, noone left in your life wants to talk about your anorexia or alcholism. For me at least, I have the need to be able to reference it and joke about it causually. It is something that looms in my mind everyday, because people do not realize that anorexia is not something that goes away. Every meal, or every innocent offer of an oreo cookie and it is present back in my mind. Ignoring the problem only makes it worse for me.
However, my family, friends, and finance feel odd mentioning my aneroxia, as they seem to think I am healed and that is it. The subject of anorexia is very uncomfortable for them and they would rather think of me as perfectly fine having simply glossed over a rocky day. My rocky day is still there, and continues to be there every step I take. Being forced to pretend that I am now perfect and fine which is far from the truth, not to mention the fact that my perfectionism and strives to always be in control are what lead me down the path to begin with.
Therefore, I find myself staring down the need to be perfect every day, but this time without my easy old defensive coping methods that some days I want to fall back on so hard. It's ironic, but I find that while in recovery I am still fighting the essance of the diasease, but without any of the perks that used to help me survive and cope. I know I am healthier for it, but it is a lonely battle and one that I think most people underestimate. This is not about rather I will just stick the fork in my mouth at dinner, rather I will puke my dinner, or rather I take a shot to feel better. Aneroxia is about much more than that and I wish there was a way I could make them understand that just because I am eating tonight does not mean that I am healed.
I assume that I am not the only one that feels this way out of every girl who has ever had anorexia, and that most family and friends react this way. But there is a demon in the diasease and it always lives healthier beside me, which is why I praise and commmend everyone who continues to fight it.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
The distance created by the terrible A's
Hello again,
At first I was going to write an informative post about alcohol and anorexia, which I have noticed the media rather insensitively has titled drunkorexia but I think that after the last post I will wait. Any reading you want to do, I still encourage reading the link at the end of the last post first. For anyone who is here trying to understand how a loved one can suffer from anorexia and still deprive herself, there is no better answer than in this mother's story of the demon inside. This aside, some things you can look forward to is a rant on why drunkorexia makes light of a very serious subject, my personal story, and information on both diseases both separately and together.
I think one thing that a lot of people fail to understand is that to understand one of these diseases is to understand the other because of the similarities of addiction while at the same time not understanding either because of the differences. So i want to explore both anorexia and alcoholism separately and together. With an insider's views, it may be easier to see how both can control your life, and how funnily enough even though being an anorexic is all about control, all you want to do is lose it without guilt for awhile which is why alcohol becomes so enticing. Remember my mention earlier that I strive to be the paradox of everything I stood for, well, for someone who wanted to standout with little notice, the control vs. lack of control of an eating disorder and drinking incessantly fit perfectly.
More on my own story later, just a heads up to let anyone who may have noticed my blog know I am going to continue to write my story as therapy and hopefully aid to some who just need a listening ear and friend. The thing about either of these addictions, or both anorexia and alcohol depending on your situation is that you lose many friends along the way. It gets very hard to hide no matter how talented you are, so it is easier to drop people you used to love as they get in the way of your disease.
Those still in your life, tend to avoid the subjects as they are uncomfortable with discussing problems they cannot understand and traits about you that they hate. People do not like what they cannot solve, so I have found recovery to be a lonely path despite my fiance, friends, and family as no one is really comfortable letting me talk, joke, or sound off about my anorexia or alcoholism. They want me to be fine, but fine on my own. It's ironic really, because it is this mindset that I was so determined to achieve when I first began restricting my diet.
I suppose it is ironic that I fine tune it while in recovery, and an atonement to pay for my wrong decisions as I fight the struggle towards the unattainable perfection without my favorite crutches alone.
At first I was going to write an informative post about alcohol and anorexia, which I have noticed the media rather insensitively has titled drunkorexia but I think that after the last post I will wait. Any reading you want to do, I still encourage reading the link at the end of the last post first. For anyone who is here trying to understand how a loved one can suffer from anorexia and still deprive herself, there is no better answer than in this mother's story of the demon inside. This aside, some things you can look forward to is a rant on why drunkorexia makes light of a very serious subject, my personal story, and information on both diseases both separately and together.
I think one thing that a lot of people fail to understand is that to understand one of these diseases is to understand the other because of the similarities of addiction while at the same time not understanding either because of the differences. So i want to explore both anorexia and alcoholism separately and together. With an insider's views, it may be easier to see how both can control your life, and how funnily enough even though being an anorexic is all about control, all you want to do is lose it without guilt for awhile which is why alcohol becomes so enticing. Remember my mention earlier that I strive to be the paradox of everything I stood for, well, for someone who wanted to standout with little notice, the control vs. lack of control of an eating disorder and drinking incessantly fit perfectly.
More on my own story later, just a heads up to let anyone who may have noticed my blog know I am going to continue to write my story as therapy and hopefully aid to some who just need a listening ear and friend. The thing about either of these addictions, or both anorexia and alcohol depending on your situation is that you lose many friends along the way. It gets very hard to hide no matter how talented you are, so it is easier to drop people you used to love as they get in the way of your disease.
Those still in your life, tend to avoid the subjects as they are uncomfortable with discussing problems they cannot understand and traits about you that they hate. People do not like what they cannot solve, so I have found recovery to be a lonely path despite my fiance, friends, and family as no one is really comfortable letting me talk, joke, or sound off about my anorexia or alcoholism. They want me to be fine, but fine on my own. It's ironic really, because it is this mindset that I was so determined to achieve when I first began restricting my diet.
I suppose it is ironic that I fine tune it while in recovery, and an atonement to pay for my wrong decisions as I fight the struggle towards the unattainable perfection without my favorite crutches alone.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Read this story
In my quest to write my first infomative story what I found instead was a link that almost had me crying. While this girl was much younger then me, I understood exactly what she felt, and me, the girl who has been anorexic for six years, battled bulimia and alcoholism in between, was shocked.
The parents of this young girl managed to explain to the detail the "demon" that exists along with an eating disorder. According to the mother she is in recovery now, and I hope for the best for the rest of her life. I think the hardest part of suffering from an eating disorder sometimes is reading about others, because you want to reach out and do so much, but in reality there is little you can do. Of course, my personality fits right into the eating disorder category, if there really is one so this should not be surprising.
Still I encourage you to visit this story. For those wishing to understand anorexia, I think this mother has it down to the tee. For those in recovery, I think it is inspiring. And for those of you fighting the battle it gives hope.
http://www-news.uchicago.edu/citations/06/061126.legrange-nyt.html
The parents of this young girl managed to explain to the detail the "demon" that exists along with an eating disorder. According to the mother she is in recovery now, and I hope for the best for the rest of her life. I think the hardest part of suffering from an eating disorder sometimes is reading about others, because you want to reach out and do so much, but in reality there is little you can do. Of course, my personality fits right into the eating disorder category, if there really is one so this should not be surprising.
Still I encourage you to visit this story. For those wishing to understand anorexia, I think this mother has it down to the tee. For those in recovery, I think it is inspiring. And for those of you fighting the battle it gives hope.
http://www-news.uchicago.edu/citations/06/061126.legrange-nyt.html
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The beginnings of anorexia
Shockingly enough, I can tell you the first day that I became anorexic, or at least subconsciously determined to be. An overachiever in high school, it was October of my senior year and I was stressed beyond belief. I had activities from the newspaper to a leadership committee (only the top nine of the class were selected based on involvement and morals) to drama to family to my studies up the ass. Literally, an average day for me meant 7am-10pm at school with my lunch break used to run errands. Teachers wanted only the best for me, and ironically I wanted only to be left alone and just make everything perfect in my life.
My free time was spent attending concerts and breaking the mold, as I was the token kid. The lil punk who was still super involved but refused to do Student Council. The kid who was everywhere, but never quite popular cause i had no time to do make a whole lot of friends, and my parents did not have the money to be movers and shakers. I made it to stand out all while still being perfect at standing out. It was hard work being perfect at being the antithesis to everything.
One day in stress, I noticed I had gained five pounds, and never fat, my top weight was 135 at 5'8", I decided a size nine was plump because the short girls were in zeros. I looked in the mirror and I looked gross, and from that day on the disease entered by head and at age 26, 6 disgusting years later, it is still there. I am still underweight, there is no doubt about it. At age 26, 5'9" and weighing 112 pounds is highly not where I should be. But at this point in my recovery, it is all I can handle. I flirted with bulmia for awhile, also known as the purging form of anorexia, and I have been sober from it for almost 12 months. I say sober jokingly, because I also have been almost sober for 12 months as well. The almost I will explain later.
The truth is, that I cannot conquer all my demons at once because it is simply too hard. But I have resolved to stop drinking and binging, so I maintain my weight through exercise and restrictive eating. I realize that one day I will have to put on more weight then my tiny 112 frame which is not meant for my health, but for now, I am size three and have stopped trying to shrink further, which is the first step in my recovery and the first step I have been able to stick with for longer then I day. Hence while not happy, I think I am one step closer to happiness.
My free time was spent attending concerts and breaking the mold, as I was the token kid. The lil punk who was still super involved but refused to do Student Council. The kid who was everywhere, but never quite popular cause i had no time to do make a whole lot of friends, and my parents did not have the money to be movers and shakers. I made it to stand out all while still being perfect at standing out. It was hard work being perfect at being the antithesis to everything.
One day in stress, I noticed I had gained five pounds, and never fat, my top weight was 135 at 5'8", I decided a size nine was plump because the short girls were in zeros. I looked in the mirror and I looked gross, and from that day on the disease entered by head and at age 26, 6 disgusting years later, it is still there. I am still underweight, there is no doubt about it. At age 26, 5'9" and weighing 112 pounds is highly not where I should be. But at this point in my recovery, it is all I can handle. I flirted with bulmia for awhile, also known as the purging form of anorexia, and I have been sober from it for almost 12 months. I say sober jokingly, because I also have been almost sober for 12 months as well. The almost I will explain later.
The truth is, that I cannot conquer all my demons at once because it is simply too hard. But I have resolved to stop drinking and binging, so I maintain my weight through exercise and restrictive eating. I realize that one day I will have to put on more weight then my tiny 112 frame which is not meant for my health, but for now, I am size three and have stopped trying to shrink further, which is the first step in my recovery and the first step I have been able to stick with for longer then I day. Hence while not happy, I think I am one step closer to happiness.
Introduction to Alcohol and Anorexia
Hello,
I am writing this partially to air my soul of the diseases I have in my life, and partially to aid others in their search for help, aid, or just a comfortable shoulder to lean on. Sometimes the best people in life, and the ones who I have found to be the most influential to me are not the doctors, counselors, or what not, but the people who have been where I have.
Note: I am not in anyway advocating developing either of these problems. I know there are many pro-ana sites out there, and I would never wish my demons on anyone. In fact, if I could change one thing in my life it would be that fall day when I first discovered anorexia, and then two years later on the fall day I discovered alcohol could be more than a party drink.
For me, the mixture of these two were violatile, but there is help, hope, and recovery all of which I have stumbled onto. I think it is ridiculous to say you ever get over these diaseases, it is one thing that both have in common. However, there is a way to get a handle on both so they never interfer in your life again, which is what I have tried to do to the best of my abilites.
Over time, I am going to share my personal experiences mixed with informative articles that may help guide you on the path of recovery. Personally, faith did not help me recover, I do not subscribe to God or religion, and maybe sometimes that would have made it easier. I found inner faith in myself and a light that my self-destructive habits would lead to my death. It took me three close encounters with death to finally wake up, for you I hope the light comes sooner, but if it does not, then I sincerely hope it comes before it it is too late.
This is my story of the alocholism, anorexia, and my recovery. Feel free to comment as I am receptive to all thoughts. If you have something you want to add, drop me a post and I will gladly consider adding it to a post. I think that a support system is the best thing that anyone with either of these diaseases can hope for.
I am writing this partially to air my soul of the diseases I have in my life, and partially to aid others in their search for help, aid, or just a comfortable shoulder to lean on. Sometimes the best people in life, and the ones who I have found to be the most influential to me are not the doctors, counselors, or what not, but the people who have been where I have.
Note: I am not in anyway advocating developing either of these problems. I know there are many pro-ana sites out there, and I would never wish my demons on anyone. In fact, if I could change one thing in my life it would be that fall day when I first discovered anorexia, and then two years later on the fall day I discovered alcohol could be more than a party drink.
For me, the mixture of these two were violatile, but there is help, hope, and recovery all of which I have stumbled onto. I think it is ridiculous to say you ever get over these diaseases, it is one thing that both have in common. However, there is a way to get a handle on both so they never interfer in your life again, which is what I have tried to do to the best of my abilites.
Over time, I am going to share my personal experiences mixed with informative articles that may help guide you on the path of recovery. Personally, faith did not help me recover, I do not subscribe to God or religion, and maybe sometimes that would have made it easier. I found inner faith in myself and a light that my self-destructive habits would lead to my death. It took me three close encounters with death to finally wake up, for you I hope the light comes sooner, but if it does not, then I sincerely hope it comes before it it is too late.
This is my story of the alocholism, anorexia, and my recovery. Feel free to comment as I am receptive to all thoughts. If you have something you want to add, drop me a post and I will gladly consider adding it to a post. I think that a support system is the best thing that anyone with either of these diaseases can hope for.
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